Finding happiness has always been a struggle for me. I have always wanted more, I set my sights on what I want, I determine that will make me happy and it doesn't. (My BMW however did make me happy ... till it died) Anyways, I've always tried to fill my happiness void with certain prized possessions or people. Needless to say, I never found what I was looking for. I will say that I am still COMPLETELY CONVINCED that a Volvo V70R will bring me true happiness but until that glorious day happens I will have to work on my insides. I've been accused of being a complainer and an under-achiever and a blamer so I stepped back to examine myself and it turns out and I am those things. So it is time for a makeover.
These past couple of days I have felt like I have actually achieved true happiness. I can't stop smiling and I keep dancing to the music in my head. Ironically the song playing in there is "I ain't no holla back girl! This $hit is BANANAS!" And I must admit ... this $hit is bananas!! I love being happy! Why haven't I tried this before?? I realized I have everything in the world to be thankful and grateful for. It turns out, I kinda love my job ... er .. jobs. I love what i do, it isn't ideal, it can be tiring, and stressful, the money can at times be questionable, but at the end of the day, what I do is pretty rewarding. I get to see children learn and grow, I get to build relationships with my clients, and I work with some truly awesome people. It's not something I want to do forever but I now know that I am right where I am supposed to be. Once I disposed of the negativity in my life and focused on the positive my outlook has completely changed. I realized I wasn't being true to who I was. I was trying to find happiness in someone else, I was trying to make that person happy and be someone I wasn't because I had convinced myself that I would then achieve true happiness. Fail.
I've always tried to pray throughout my day. It's how I was raised. I like praying, it may sound silly but I feel accomplished when I pray. It's so easy to get distracted and forget to pray though, so I've started something new this week, every morning I wake up and pray a blanket prayer. And I don't mean I'm praying for Mj's son Blanket, I mean I wake and say a quick prayer thanking God for everything. Everything, that's my blanket prayer. I really am thankful for everything, especially the good, but even the bad, after all that is what helps me grow. I've found that when things get negative or stressful I can just breathe and give it to God, and I truly believe that the reason this week has been so good is because I am starting my mornings off right. I'm starting my mornings by focusing on the positive and that is carrying on into the later parts of my day.
Trials will surface, stress will always be there, and occasionally my exhaustion might get the best of me. But I will give it to God and move on in peace and smile because I can!
