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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Confession Time!

I have 2 confessions today so please enjoy and feel better about yourself!

Confession #1
Alright here it is. I AM in fact an addict. Contradictory to my previous post I have decided that I do have an addiction. I am addicted to food. And not just the necessary food to keep my body running, I LOVE all things tasty. That being said I think I do keep control of my addiction, but I'll let you decide for yourself. 
        No matter how full I am I could always eat more especially if it is sweets. I try my hardest not to keep tempting foods in the house but it isn't easy when I constantly have people in and out of my house and I take care of children! If anyone brings anything yummy into my house I HAVE to taste it. And by taste I mean DEVOUR most, if not all of it!! But here's the addict part. I don't do it in front of people I will wait. I wait till I'm alone ... and since I live alone it can get bad. It's amazing the things we do when no one is looking right? Nobody is around to judge me for eating 6 Mochi balls in a night! No one is here to judge me for eating a LARGE bag of M&M's!   So what do I do? I can't afford to pay someone to follow me around and smack the food out of my hands!! (Trust me I would if I could!)

So here's what I have done so far and it works until I get bored, angry, sad, happy, (you get my point?)
I've noticed the only time I am not buggin out for some yumminess is when I am busy. So my genius plan?? Stay BUSY! I also do allow some of my cravings at times  (this has meant a handful of animal crackers or a roll of smarties lately). But even staying busy fails me. Then that usually means I don't have time to plan accordingly and eat healthy. So what do I do? It feels like when I'm doing my binge eating I can always justify it. Today for example I ate some Smarties (Awesome candy) and I justified it because I knew I was going to work out. It's harmless isn't it? But here's how I think about it. Is it harmless if a meth addict smokes weed? Probably not, it's a wee bit of a slippery slope isn't it? My eating a Smarties today may have been harmless, but since then I've just been wanting to put more amazing delicious things in my mouth! (Hahaha yes I just said that)  So what do I do? Will this ever end or will it be a constant battle, will there be constant swings? One day I'm fine the next I'm eating everything in my pantry and making a late night run to the gas station for some Hostess products! Yes. It's true I am putting that CRAP in my body! Help!!

Confession #2
This one is hard to swallow but once I have realized and accepted it I think I am doing better. I am terrified of being alone. The funny part of this is my dog Shamu is also terrified of me being alone. She is a pit bull weighing in at about 65lbs. She is a fairly large dog, pretty muscular and TERRIFIED of her own shadow when we are home alone at night! I haven't lived alone in probably about 6 years, so long before Layla. When I was living alone I was in a tiny apartment so I never had the fears of someone lurking. It's amazing how 6 years ago I wasn't afraid of anything! I would have taken on the world! Now for the first time in years I have an opportunity to get to know myself and enjoy me and I can't! It starts off with Layla barking and growling at noises that only she hears and then my mind gets the best of me! My head is swimming! "What if someone is upstairs? What if someone can see me through the windows? What if, what if, what if?" When I finally get the courage to walk up the stairs I make Layla stay right by my side and I glance nervously behind me to make sure no one is there, at this point I feel like a child! And then I make it to my bed, realize I'm a silly nincompoop and curl up in a ball watching Family Guy. And then I start thinking what if this is it? What if I will always be alone? What if I never find the right man to marry? (Preferably older, darker, and wealthy) Yes I know I am never alone God is always there and while I do take comfort in that, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier does it? After having been surrounded by people for 6 years how does one get used to being alone again?

Well. If you have any helpful advice or suffer from the same things, please share. You might feel better with it off your chest. I certainly do!! Hopefully you were at least able to chuckle at my pain!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Forgiveness. The Way My Momma Taught Me

There is so much on my mind these days, so many ups and downs, the drama piles thicker and thicker and here I am in the middle shaking my head in disbelief.

I was raised by a devout Christian mother and I had 4 other siblings plus all the "extras" that always seemed to be around. My memories of my child hood are few and scattered because I have probably blocked most of them. I have a ton of good and funny memories but then I also have some bad ones. The one memory that I do have is the craziness of all the siblings. With siblings comes sibling rivalry. We were always on our best behavior for others but at home we went at it!! We would fight constantly and for the most part it was over nothing. Then we would get in trouble and get spanked (This happened until my bro's were at least 16). Getting a spanking is really nothing to fret over, yes it hurts for a minute maybe and then you go about your day and hopefully you learned your lesson. Well that might have been the case for most people but not for us!
I think my mother was an evil genius. When we got spanked it was the absolute worst and here's why; every time we would get in trouble my mother would find a passage of scripture that fit the situation that was going on. She would read a verse or two from the bible and WHAP spanking numero uno. Read a few more versus and BAMMO she got the other cheek. Read some more and THUMP back to the 1st cheek in the same EXACT spot!!!! OH Lord Have Mercy is she done yet???? She was rarely done after 3. And before you go about calling my mother a child abuser check yo-self. She was no such thing. She was a mother who kept her children in line and taught them very valuable lessons. The lesson I'm using today is Forgiveness. After every spanking we would have to go apologize to whoever was wronged. And we would have to say "I am sorry, (whatever I did) was wrong. Will you forgive me?" At this point the wronged party would have to forgive no matter how heinous the crime.

No matter how old you are, forgiving someone can be so difficult but here is what my mother taught me. Not forgiving someone will ruin my life. The person who wronged me will go about their business none the wiser but if I can't let go and move on it will eat away at me. My grudge will turn into hatred and my life will be consumed with it. Failure to forgive one person can lead to not being able to forgive many others. My anger and hatred will control my life and either push people away or  bring them down with me.

This week my ability to forgive has been tested on a daily basis and on most days I have been pushed to the limits. I have gotten so angry and frustrated, broken down in tears, said mean and hateful things. It has taken all of my will power to not retaliate in kind and here is what I can say. Yesterday I woke up early and went and picked up my awesome lil bro Jonner. We went to the early service so he could go to work. The sermon was amazing, I think he was speaking directly to me (I'll touch on this another day). Then I went to my older bro Jason's church and we spent some of the afternoon at the church BBQ-ing in good company. Then we went back to Jason's house where he spent a few hours fixing my truck and I got to hang out with my sis-n-law Arisse. At the end of the day I left with my truck running and a smile on my face.

You can take my belongings, you can steal my money, you can use mean words. But at the end of the day I will forgive you and here's why; I am the luckiest most blessed girl in the world. I have an amazing family who is always there for me no matter what I go through, I have brothers who constantly rescue me when my cars break, fix them for pretty much free. I have sisters who are always there to listen and lend a helping hand. I have friends who would bend over backwards for me even when I don't always deserve it. I have one friend who is constantly making my bed and even though she probably does it for her own piece of mind, it means the world to me.

I will not let you consume my life. You will never break me, I will forgive every wrong. Today I am going to live my life to the fullest, I am going to enjoy every minute. I am a strong woman because I was raised by a strong woman. I am thankful every day for the spankings my mother gave me. She loved us so much that she took the time to read us the bible and teach us to forgive.

If you take away anything from this please let it be this: NO MATTER WHAT ALWAYS FORGIVE, a life of anger is not worth living. If you have children please instill the value of forgiveness on them. And to my friends and family, Thank you.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Time to get addicted!

Most people try and beat their addictions but not me! I am going to create some! By default I am one of those people that no matter how hard I try I just can't get addicted to anything. Which is weird because I come from a long line of alcohol, food, and drug addicts. I've tried most of those things and none of them seem to fit me! So I have decided that I need to find an addiction to fill up the new free time of my life.  But I can't seem to figure out what I should be addicted to there are sooo many good choices. So I need your help, here's what I have so far:

Accounting: Right... there is some logic behind this. I actually like doing it, it is kind of a stress relief for me, and it is necessary to my business. You may laugh but so far this is my #1 choice.

Cooking: Great idea except for then I might get super fat so ..... not sure

Reading: I read sometimes and half-way through the book I get bored, so this would be a difficult one but it may be good for me to broaden my horizons.

Working Out: I'm thinking that this is really the one I should choose, the problem is I've been sick all week and I'm having problems motivating myself with this one! But I do love Tony (P90X) and exercise releases endorphins that will make me happy.

Volunteering: At church we have been doing this awesome series about being servants. We were put on this earth to serve God through serving others. I've always known this, but this series has been an awesome reminder and it has really been sticking with me. The cool thing is my the series has even had an impact on my little brother and he told me yesterday he wants to join the volunteer group next weekend. Hearing that made me so happy and proud. But I'll go more into detail on that another day. Anyways this one would be the most rewarding ... aside from working out but that would only reward me and those who get to see me nekked.

Writing: Obviously I'm doing some writing here on the good ol blog ... But I'm thinking more of maybe channeling my inner Chelsea. Or writing a tell-all about Shamu the orca whale. My life through her eyes. Hahahahaha I make myself chuckle.

Anyways. What should I do? Polls are open. And not the kind of poles you might find in my room.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Back In The Swing Of It??

Those who know me well know what I am going through in my life but maybe it's time to make the official announcement. Here it is: I AM as awesome as everyone says. ;) That being said ... I have decided to do a cleanse of my life and I have lost about 215 lbs. Best cleanse ever. Sometimes it just takes time to realize that not all things are meant to be. For those of you still in the dark, I am speaking of my relationship with Ron. It has had it's ups and downs but once the highs wore off there was just nothing left. It has not been an easy split but there are a few things I have learned from it.

Thing one: A relationship without mutual respect will never last. Before your go jumping to conclusions please allow me to explain. Ron and I always loved each other that was never a question but neither of us respected each other. In my family, we were raised to be self sufficient (by default) which has translated into many of us running our own businesses and struggling to make it on our own. Ron never understood that. He didn't understand why I have a $80,000 education and I run my own small businesses. I never wanted this but with the turn of the economy this is just the way it happened. He always said he was behind me and supported me but I knew he didn't and he would always bring it up in our fights (most of them about money). I struggled with respecting him because of his failure to keep his jobs. Because of our lack of respect for one another we would constantly fight over money and other things. So going through this split here's what I have learned. Relationships based on mutual respect are possible but first you have to respect yourself. I realized that I struggle with respecting myself, respecting others in general, and respecting what I do. No wonder!!! I've realized that I have to come to terms with who I am and what I do. If I can't do that it is time to re-evaluate my life and career choices. I haven't decided yet what I am going to do but I have decided that I am not allowed to be in a relationship with another man until I can honestly respect myself. (Relationships with other women allowed ;-))

Thing two: Trust is key. Trust and respect go hand in hand. Without trust in a relationship your emotions will get the best of you and next thing you know it's the end of the world when the milk runs out. How this makes sense I am not sure but we have all been there. It just takes one stupid thing and all of the sudden your boyfriend/husband is cheating on you or incapable of love or incapable of paying the bills, or caring for the household if you get sick and die .... I could go on... I've always struggled with trust. I have problems trusting anyone. I trust people for the superficial things of life but I cannot seem to trust people when it comes to being there for me, taking care of me, or I can never seem to trust anyone enough to give them my heart. That being said that is likely a good thing as I have not yet found the right person to give my heart to. I thought I did but when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it.  Learning to trust will not be easy. But I've decided that I will. I don't know how .. so please feel free to give suggestions!

Final Thing: I will close with this, crazy people should not be with other crazy people. I will be the first to tell you. I am full fledged crazy. I deal with it pretty well, I know my limits, I know what sets me off, but it is really really hard to keep the crazy under wraps when in a relationship with another crazy. So if you are crazy, find someone less crazy than you.

I hope that you noticed my Thing 1 & Thing 2 reference. If you did not we should re-evaluate our relationship.
On that note here is something to ponder:

   “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”