I have 2 confessions today so please enjoy and feel better about yourself!
Alright here it is. I AM in fact an addict. Contradictory to my previous post I have decided that I do have an addiction. I am addicted to food. And not just the necessary food to keep my body running, I LOVE all things tasty. That being said I think I do keep control of my addiction, but I'll let you decide for yourself.
No matter how full I am I could always eat more especially if it is sweets. I try my hardest not to keep tempting foods in the house but it isn't easy when I constantly have people in and out of my house and I take care of children! If anyone brings anything yummy into my house I HAVE to taste it. And by taste I mean DEVOUR most, if not all of it!! But here's the addict part. I don't do it in front of people I will wait. I wait till I'm alone ... and since I live alone it can get bad. It's amazing the things we do when no one is looking right? Nobody is around to judge me for eating 6 Mochi balls in a night! No one is here to judge me for eating a LARGE bag of M&M's! So what do I do? I can't afford to pay someone to follow me around and smack the food out of my hands!! (Trust me I would if I could!)
So here's what I have done so far and it works until I get bored, angry, sad, happy, (you get my point?)
I've noticed the only time I am not buggin out for some yumminess is when I am busy. So my genius plan?? Stay BUSY! I also do allow some of my cravings at times (this has meant a handful of animal crackers or a roll of smarties lately). But even staying busy fails me. Then that usually means I don't have time to plan accordingly and eat healthy. So what do I do? It feels like when I'm doing my binge eating I can always justify it. Today for example I ate some Smarties (Awesome candy) and I justified it because I knew I was going to work out. It's harmless isn't it? But here's how I think about it. Is it harmless if a meth addict smokes weed? Probably not, it's a wee bit of a slippery slope isn't it? My eating a Smarties today may have been harmless, but since then I've just been wanting to put more amazing delicious things in my mouth! (Hahaha yes I just said that) So what do I do? Will this ever end or will it be a constant battle, will there be constant swings? One day I'm fine the next I'm eating everything in my pantry and making a late night run to the gas station for some Hostess products! Yes. It's true I am putting that CRAP in my body! Help!!
This one is hard to swallow but once I have realized and accepted it I think I am doing better. I am terrified of being alone. The funny part of this is my dog Shamu is also terrified of me being alone. She is a pit bull weighing in at about 65lbs. She is a fairly large dog, pretty muscular and TERRIFIED of her own shadow when we are home alone at night! I haven't lived alone in probably about 6 years, so long before Layla. When I was living alone I was in a tiny apartment so I never had the fears of someone lurking. It's amazing how 6 years ago I wasn't afraid of anything! I would have taken on the world! Now for the first time in years I have an opportunity to get to know myself and enjoy me and I can't! It starts off with Layla barking and growling at noises that only she hears and then my mind gets the best of me! My head is swimming! "What if someone is upstairs? What if someone can see me through the windows? What if, what if, what if?" When I finally get the courage to walk up the stairs I make Layla stay right by my side and I glance nervously behind me to make sure no one is there, at this point I feel like a child! And then I make it to my bed, realize I'm a silly nincompoop and curl up in a ball watching Family Guy. And then I start thinking what if this is it? What if I will always be alone? What if I never find the right man to marry? (Preferably older, darker, and wealthy) Yes I know I am never alone God is always there and while I do take comfort in that, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier does it? After having been surrounded by people for 6 years how does one get used to being alone again?
Well. If you have any helpful advice or suffer from the same things, please share. You might feel better with it off your chest. I certainly do!! Hopefully you were at least able to chuckle at my pain!