Why Thank You Father .... for that great big ego of mine...

For years I have wondered where my sense of self comes from. I used to be so shy and I kept to myself and all of the sudden one day I woke up and decided I was a bad ass and people should consider themselves blessed to have me in their lives. I always knew this was a bit of a stretch but no one seemed to mind my new found confidence, in fact most people found it hilarious and just went along with the endless streams of BS that came out of my mouth to humor me. Unfortunately in the past year or so my ego has somehow gotten bigger which led me to question where I got all this from.

For those of you who know Big Poppa, you probably know the basics. He always wears a hat, glasses and 99% of the time a beard. He is consistently stoned. And he is convinced "the man" is out to get him, (no he is not black). . I love my father, he is crazy and not all that great at life but he has always been a great example of a parent for the "what not to do's". I think my next blog shall be about my fathers great life lessons. In addition to just looking like a crazy old man his hygiene is not the greatest and  having conversations with him can be compared to watching the presidential debate. You won't get to far. That being said, he really is awesome. I quite enjoy having him in my life, any phone conversation with him is bound to be a humorous one. Anyways ...  after a phone conversation with him a few weeks ago it suddenly dawned on me, my ego is genetic. According to my father, he is God's gift to women, those who saw my post a few weeks ago know that I can't make this stuff up. I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out but I think my dad, myself and my brother Josh were actually born with the large ego gene. Here is a man who has worn the same hat for years and does not shower as often as he should and he still thinks all the women are after him.
Example 1: Years ago, he informed me that he had to be careful talking to the neighbor next door because she wanted to marry him. But he wasn't having it because and I quote "her thighs clapped when she walked" .... really dad??? This poor lady all she wanted was for him to come fix an electrical problem she had!
Example 2: A while ago he also informed me that the other neighbor wants him but .... "she's a little trashy if yah know what I mean." Right, because your house being a double wide trailer with holes in the walls and floors is not trashy.
Example 3: In case you missed this story.... he thinks that my neighbor who is in her 50's and pretty hot (thanks to some surgeries) want's him. In addition the reason why he doesn't go to church is because all of the single ladies who want him because he can provide food on the table and a roof over their head.

YUP they all want you dad.
But, who am I to judge? I would never disagree with him, maybe they do all want him... who's to say that they don't?

So, that's where I get my ego from. I know a lot of you have been curious about it over the years, and now you know. I've been told I should practice humility but hey, I'm only going to live once ... so I think I'll follow in my old man's footsteps. Everybody wants me ..... I'm God's gift to EVERYONE. ;-)

Finding Happiness

Finding happiness has always been a struggle for me. I have always wanted more, I set my sights on what I want, I determine that will make me happy and it doesn't. (My BMW however did make me happy ... till it died) Anyways, I've always tried to fill my happiness void with certain prized possessions or people. Needless to say, I never found what I was looking for. I will say that I am still COMPLETELY CONVINCED that a Volvo V70R will bring me true happiness but until that glorious day happens I will have to work on my insides. I've been accused of being a complainer and an under-achiever and a blamer so I stepped back to examine myself and it turns out and I am those things. So it is time for a makeover.

These past couple of days I have felt like I have actually achieved true happiness. I can't stop smiling and I keep dancing to the music in my head. Ironically the song playing in there is "I ain't no holla back girl! This $hit is BANANAS!" And I must admit ... this $hit is bananas!! I love being happy! Why haven't I tried this before?? I realized I have everything in the world to be thankful and grateful for. It turns out, I kinda love my job ... er .. jobs. I love what i do, it isn't ideal, it can be tiring, and stressful, the money can at times be questionable, but at the end of the day, what I do is pretty rewarding. I get to see children learn and grow, I get to build relationships with my clients, and I work with some truly awesome people. It's not something I want to do forever but I now know that I am right where I am supposed to be. Once I disposed of the negativity in my life and focused on the positive my outlook has completely changed. I realized I wasn't being true to who I was. I was trying to find happiness in someone else, I was trying to make that person happy and be someone I wasn't because I had convinced myself that I would then achieve true happiness. Fail.

I've always tried to pray throughout my day. It's how I was raised. I like praying, it may sound silly but I feel accomplished when I pray. It's so easy to get distracted and forget to pray though, so I've started something new this week, every morning I wake up and pray a blanket prayer. And I don't mean I'm praying for Mj's son Blanket, I mean I wake and say a quick prayer thanking God for everything. Everything, that's my blanket prayer. I really am thankful for everything, especially the good, but even the bad, after all that is what helps me grow. I've found that when things get negative or stressful I can just breathe and give it to God, and I truly believe that the reason this week has been so good is because I am starting my mornings off right. I'm starting my mornings by focusing on the positive and that is carrying on into the later parts of my day.

Trials will surface, stress will always be there, and occasionally my exhaustion might get the best of me. But I will give it to God and move on in peace and smile because I can!

Confession Time!

I have 2 confessions today so please enjoy and feel better about yourself!

Confession #1
Alright here it is. I AM in fact an addict. Contradictory to my previous post I have decided that I do have an addiction. I am addicted to food. And not just the necessary food to keep my body running, I LOVE all things tasty. That being said I think I do keep control of my addiction, but I'll let you decide for yourself. 
        No matter how full I am I could always eat more especially if it is sweets. I try my hardest not to keep tempting foods in the house but it isn't easy when I constantly have people in and out of my house and I take care of children! If anyone brings anything yummy into my house I HAVE to taste it. And by taste I mean DEVOUR most, if not all of it!! But here's the addict part. I don't do it in front of people I will wait. I wait till I'm alone ... and since I live alone it can get bad. It's amazing the things we do when no one is looking right? Nobody is around to judge me for eating 6 Mochi balls in a night! No one is here to judge me for eating a LARGE bag of M&M's!   So what do I do? I can't afford to pay someone to follow me around and smack the food out of my hands!! (Trust me I would if I could!)

So here's what I have done so far and it works until I get bored, angry, sad, happy, (you get my point?)
I've noticed the only time I am not buggin out for some yumminess is when I am busy. So my genius plan?? Stay BUSY! I also do allow some of my cravings at times  (this has meant a handful of animal crackers or a roll of smarties lately). But even staying busy fails me. Then that usually means I don't have time to plan accordingly and eat healthy. So what do I do? It feels like when I'm doing my binge eating I can always justify it. Today for example I ate some Smarties (Awesome candy) and I justified it because I knew I was going to work out. It's harmless isn't it? But here's how I think about it. Is it harmless if a meth addict smokes weed? Probably not, it's a wee bit of a slippery slope isn't it? My eating a Smarties today may have been harmless, but since then I've just been wanting to put more amazing delicious things in my mouth! (Hahaha yes I just said that)  So what do I do? Will this ever end or will it be a constant battle, will there be constant swings? One day I'm fine the next I'm eating everything in my pantry and making a late night run to the gas station for some Hostess products! Yes. It's true I am putting that CRAP in my body! Help!!

Confession #2
This one is hard to swallow but once I have realized and accepted it I think I am doing better. I am terrified of being alone. The funny part of this is my dog Shamu is also terrified of me being alone. She is a pit bull weighing in at about 65lbs. She is a fairly large dog, pretty muscular and TERRIFIED of her own shadow when we are home alone at night! I haven't lived alone in probably about 6 years, so long before Layla. When I was living alone I was in a tiny apartment so I never had the fears of someone lurking. It's amazing how 6 years ago I wasn't afraid of anything! I would have taken on the world! Now for the first time in years I have an opportunity to get to know myself and enjoy me and I can't! It starts off with Layla barking and growling at noises that only she hears and then my mind gets the best of me! My head is swimming! "What if someone is upstairs? What if someone can see me through the windows? What if, what if, what if?" When I finally get the courage to walk up the stairs I make Layla stay right by my side and I glance nervously behind me to make sure no one is there, at this point I feel like a child! And then I make it to my bed, realize I'm a silly nincompoop and curl up in a ball watching Family Guy. And then I start thinking what if this is it? What if I will always be alone? What if I never find the right man to marry? (Preferably older, darker, and wealthy) Yes I know I am never alone God is always there and while I do take comfort in that, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier does it? After having been surrounded by people for 6 years how does one get used to being alone again?

Well. If you have any helpful advice or suffer from the same things, please share. You might feel better with it off your chest. I certainly do!! Hopefully you were at least able to chuckle at my pain!

Forgiveness. The Way My Momma Taught Me

There is so much on my mind these days, so many ups and downs, the drama piles thicker and thicker and here I am in the middle shaking my head in disbelief.

I was raised by a devout Christian mother and I had 4 other siblings plus all the "extras" that always seemed to be around. My memories of my child hood are few and scattered because I have probably blocked most of them. I have a ton of good and funny memories but then I also have some bad ones. The one memory that I do have is the craziness of all the siblings. With siblings comes sibling rivalry. We were always on our best behavior for others but at home we went at it!! We would fight constantly and for the most part it was over nothing. Then we would get in trouble and get spanked (This happened until my bro's were at least 16). Getting a spanking is really nothing to fret over, yes it hurts for a minute maybe and then you go about your day and hopefully you learned your lesson. Well that might have been the case for most people but not for us!
I think my mother was an evil genius. When we got spanked it was the absolute worst and here's why; every time we would get in trouble my mother would find a passage of scripture that fit the situation that was going on. She would read a verse or two from the bible and WHAP spanking numero uno. Read a few more versus and BAMMO she got the other cheek. Read some more and THUMP back to the 1st cheek in the same EXACT spot!!!! OH Lord Have Mercy is she done yet???? She was rarely done after 3. And before you go about calling my mother a child abuser check yo-self. She was no such thing. She was a mother who kept her children in line and taught them very valuable lessons. The lesson I'm using today is Forgiveness. After every spanking we would have to go apologize to whoever was wronged. And we would have to say "I am sorry, (whatever I did) was wrong. Will you forgive me?" At this point the wronged party would have to forgive no matter how heinous the crime.

No matter how old you are, forgiving someone can be so difficult but here is what my mother taught me. Not forgiving someone will ruin my life. The person who wronged me will go about their business none the wiser but if I can't let go and move on it will eat away at me. My grudge will turn into hatred and my life will be consumed with it. Failure to forgive one person can lead to not being able to forgive many others. My anger and hatred will control my life and either push people away or  bring them down with me.

This week my ability to forgive has been tested on a daily basis and on most days I have been pushed to the limits. I have gotten so angry and frustrated, broken down in tears, said mean and hateful things. It has taken all of my will power to not retaliate in kind and here is what I can say. Yesterday I woke up early and went and picked up my awesome lil bro Jonner. We went to the early service so he could go to work. The sermon was amazing, I think he was speaking directly to me (I'll touch on this another day). Then I went to my older bro Jason's church and we spent some of the afternoon at the church BBQ-ing in good company. Then we went back to Jason's house where he spent a few hours fixing my truck and I got to hang out with my sis-n-law Arisse. At the end of the day I left with my truck running and a smile on my face.

You can take my belongings, you can steal my money, you can use mean words. But at the end of the day I will forgive you and here's why; I am the luckiest most blessed girl in the world. I have an amazing family who is always there for me no matter what I go through, I have brothers who constantly rescue me when my cars break, fix them for pretty much free. I have sisters who are always there to listen and lend a helping hand. I have friends who would bend over backwards for me even when I don't always deserve it. I have one friend who is constantly making my bed and even though she probably does it for her own piece of mind, it means the world to me.

I will not let you consume my life. You will never break me, I will forgive every wrong. Today I am going to live my life to the fullest, I am going to enjoy every minute. I am a strong woman because I was raised by a strong woman. I am thankful every day for the spankings my mother gave me. She loved us so much that she took the time to read us the bible and teach us to forgive.

If you take away anything from this please let it be this: NO MATTER WHAT ALWAYS FORGIVE, a life of anger is not worth living. If you have children please instill the value of forgiveness on them. And to my friends and family, Thank you.

Time to get addicted!

Most people try and beat their addictions but not me! I am going to create some! By default I am one of those people that no matter how hard I try I just can't get addicted to anything. Which is weird because I come from a long line of alcohol, food, and drug addicts. I've tried most of those things and none of them seem to fit me! So I have decided that I need to find an addiction to fill up the new free time of my life.  But I can't seem to figure out what I should be addicted to there are sooo many good choices. So I need your help, here's what I have so far:


Accounting: Right... there is some logic behind this. I actually like doing it, it is kind of a stress relief for me, and it is necessary to my business. You may laugh but so far this is my #1 choice.

Cooking: Great idea except for then I might get super fat so ..... not sure

Reading: I read sometimes and half-way through the book I get bored, so this would be a difficult one but it may be good for me to broaden my horizons.

Working Out: I'm thinking that this is really the one I should choose, the problem is I've been sick all week and I'm having problems motivating myself with this one! But I do love Tony (P90X) and exercise releases endorphins that will make me happy.

Volunteering: At church we have been doing this awesome series about being servants. We were put on this earth to serve God through serving others. I've always known this, but this series has been an awesome reminder and it has really been sticking with me. The cool thing is my the series has even had an impact on my little brother and he told me yesterday he wants to join the volunteer group next weekend. Hearing that made me so happy and proud. But I'll go more into detail on that another day. Anyways this one would be the most rewarding ... aside from working out but that would only reward me and those who get to see me nekked.

Writing: Obviously I'm doing some writing here on the good ol blog ... But I'm thinking more of maybe channeling my inner Chelsea. Or writing a tell-all about Shamu the orca whale. My life through her eyes. Hahahahaha I make myself chuckle.

Anyways. What should I do? Polls are open. And not the kind of poles you might find in my room.

Back In The Swing Of It??

Those who know me well know what I am going through in my life but maybe it's time to make the official announcement. Here it is: I AM as awesome as everyone says. ;) That being said ... I have decided to do a cleanse of my life and I have lost about 215 lbs. Best cleanse ever. Sometimes it just takes time to realize that not all things are meant to be. For those of you still in the dark, I am speaking of my relationship with Ron. It has had it's ups and downs but once the highs wore off there was just nothing left. It has not been an easy split but there are a few things I have learned from it.

Thing one: A relationship without mutual respect will never last. Before your go jumping to conclusions please allow me to explain. Ron and I always loved each other that was never a question but neither of us respected each other. In my family, we were raised to be self sufficient (by default) which has translated into many of us running our own businesses and struggling to make it on our own. Ron never understood that. He didn't understand why I have a $80,000 education and I run my own small businesses. I never wanted this but with the turn of the economy this is just the way it happened. He always said he was behind me and supported me but I knew he didn't and he would always bring it up in our fights (most of them about money). I struggled with respecting him because of his failure to keep his jobs. Because of our lack of respect for one another we would constantly fight over money and other things. So going through this split here's what I have learned. Relationships based on mutual respect are possible but first you have to respect yourself. I realized that I struggle with respecting myself, respecting others in general, and respecting what I do. No wonder!!! I've realized that I have to come to terms with who I am and what I do. If I can't do that it is time to re-evaluate my life and career choices. I haven't decided yet what I am going to do but I have decided that I am not allowed to be in a relationship with another man until I can honestly respect myself. (Relationships with other women allowed ;-))

Thing two: Trust is key. Trust and respect go hand in hand. Without trust in a relationship your emotions will get the best of you and next thing you know it's the end of the world when the milk runs out. How this makes sense I am not sure but we have all been there. It just takes one stupid thing and all of the sudden your boyfriend/husband is cheating on you or incapable of love or incapable of paying the bills, or caring for the household if you get sick and die .... I could go on... I've always struggled with trust. I have problems trusting anyone. I trust people for the superficial things of life but I cannot seem to trust people when it comes to being there for me, taking care of me, or I can never seem to trust anyone enough to give them my heart. That being said that is likely a good thing as I have not yet found the right person to give my heart to. I thought I did but when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it.  Learning to trust will not be easy. But I've decided that I will. I don't know how .. so please feel free to give suggestions!

Final Thing: I will close with this, crazy people should not be with other crazy people. I will be the first to tell you. I am full fledged crazy. I deal with it pretty well, I know my limits, I know what sets me off, but it is really really hard to keep the crazy under wraps when in a relationship with another crazy. So if you are crazy, find someone less crazy than you.


I hope that you noticed my Thing 1 & Thing 2 reference. If you did not we should re-evaluate our relationship.
On that note here is something to ponder:

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Cookies For Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner!!

Today I've been a bit off track. I walked my dog this morning but couldn't find the motivation to really work out. I keep telling myself that I'll do it later ... but let's be honest, at this point that is probably not going to happen since I am already in pain! For those of you who don't know I suffer from severe chronic shoulder, back, and neck pain. I attribute my pain to being "blessed" with GIANT knockers ... for those of you who don't believe, I was a 34G ... I hid them as well as I could when I had them, but they were huge and painful and I was limited in the physical activities I could take part in. Last November I made the best decision of my life and I had them removed. It has been a very difficult journey adapting to life without giant breasts in my face ... but some how I have survived ;-)
I am now a 34 D .... I was hoping for a C but they are still large ... which I guess isn't horrible. Since my surgery my pain has been cut in half. I used to be in pain every single day, I would take Tylenol, Ib Profen, Vicodin, and anything else I could get my hands on to ease the pain. I hated it, I hated having to fill my body with these horrible pills that may help the current pain but just destroy your insides. I did everything I could as far as stretching, massage, chiropractic, working out to strengthen certain muscles and it seemed like everything I did made the pain worse.

Now, I am pleased to say I am relatively pain free, and that's good enough for me! I'm proud to say that I'm in pain today because I did a hardcore arm and shoulder workout yesterday that I never in my life thought I would be able to do. I am able to push myself because I know that if I do I will only get stronger and the pain will be worth it now! It's an amazing feeling! That's why this year is the year I am going to do a pull-up ...(hopefully more than one!) Because I can! I don't have giant cantaloupes weighing me down anymore! I am melon free! ... (now they are more like apples)

So due to my pain and being offtrackedness ... I made some Paula Dean cookies ya'll ... and Tasha made some yummy and healthy "Everything Soup" ... so if you need some sweets here is my suggestion, make them yourself and give away at least 85% of whatever you make. Then enjoy the rest, you made em so you know what is in them, and I'm sure you burnt a few calories making them, so why not enjoy your sweets every once in a while?? I'm just lucky Tasha was here to make a super healthy and delicious soup!! Today definitely calls for soup so I will post the recipe below! She did it with some monkeys on her back ... not sure if I'm that talented! Look at Cody's "Coolio" hair ... poor girl ... didn't even have a chance!

Everything Soup - Tasha style

2 sliced chicken tenderloins
1 medium diced onion
2 minced garlic cloves
1/2 chopped green bell pepper
2 chopped celery stalks
1 chopped medium carrot
2 diced potatoes
1/2 can diced tomatoes
Chopped squash of choice
Box of chicken stock or broth
Seasoning of choice
salt
pepper
olive oil

Start with a large pot and heat up 1 tbsp. of olive oil. Put the chicken in and let cook all the way through. Once chicken is lightly browned add onion, garlic, and bell pepper. Saute for a few minutes then add the rest of the veggies. Season with salt, pepper, any other seasonings you like. Saute for a few more minutes then add the chicken stock and you can also add water or more stock depending on how much you would like. Bring everything to a boil and then just let it simmer at least 30 minutes! The longer it sits the better it gets!! But the key to Everything Soup is using whatever you have! Make it your own! Add rice, beans, or pasta for more umph!
(This is not an exact recipe if you really have no clue how to make soup then call me ...)


Chop all your veggies first so you can just throw it all in and not have to worry about leaving anything out!

Brown that meat all purty! You can chop it up first or cook it then chop it! Whatever your in the mood for! Or you don't even have to add meat! That's the BEAUTY of "Everything Soup!"
After it cooks it should be full of color and flavor and just add salt and pepper to taste!




And then you should probably reward yourself for being so healthy!
Also, I know I promised self pics but I just haven't had time yet! I'll get there I promise!

These Pictures are worth at least a few words ...

So this morning I was rudely awakened at 6 o' clock ... yes it is Sunday. If I were a good Christian I would get dressed and go to church. But instead I am listening to worship music on Pandora, eating a pretty healthy breakfast, doing a P90X workout and then taking my Layla on a walk so I can have some prayer time. When I get back I will probably then watch BET's Bobby Jones Gospel (not gonna lie ... I LOVE that show!)

When I woke up Waffles were on my mind. I failed last night. It was late, my stomach was rumbling, I ate some waffles. And they were delicious!! Thankfully ... today is a new day! As I was waking up thinking about how delicious more waffles would be I decided I wasn't going to give in this morning. I was going to stay strong!

So here is my breakfast:
Now your first reaction might have been "ewww she's putting spinach in eggs?? Ok I am seriously not going to read her blog anymore." But before you write me off, let me assure you! It actually isn't that bad! I chop the spinach up, wait until the eggs are almost cooked, throw the spinach in turn the heat all the way down and just let the spinach wilt. Then for flavor I add some salt and a ton of pepper. It's actually very eatable. I'm not going to lie and say it's delicious but it is eatable and you get used to it. I like a ton of pepper, you might like hot sauce. Just try it, it won't kill you. In addition this morning I had a piece of whole wheat toast and my standard cup of black tea. If you are really trying to be healthy leave out the toast and opt for oatmeal. But, I do HIGHLY RECOMMEND you take up tea drinking! Not only will it make you more sophisticated by default, it is also very good for you. Tea is full of antioxidants, and has less caffiene than coffee. I drink it straight if you can't, I recommend honey or agave as a sweetener and some skim milk. You might just find yourself LOVING IT! (said in my FAB UU LOUSSS voice)

Later today I am going to post my before pics in my bathing suit and a pic of me attempting to do a pull up so you can keep me accountable and track my progress! Any suggestions?? Lemme know!

The Start-UP

Today I begin my journey ... who am I kidding I've already begun my journey!! But today is the day I put my journey out there for the world to see. (Or at least a few facebook friends)
Last night I was driving on my way to get my nails done because I couldn't take it any more, and I was listening to UGK Int'l Player's Anthem. Now ... for those of you who know that song, you are probably chuckling, for those of you who don't ... just keep reading. It is a very inspirational song of sorts, it gets you going, your body moves in absolutely ridiculous ways when dancing to this song. Anyways, that's when it struck me, I need motivation!
Everyday I browse fitness articles and healthy recipes and then somehow I end up on Food Network drooling over every one of Paula Dean's recipes, all the meanwhile I am usually eating handfuls of sugar.
For example, and this is seriously NO JOKE, this was what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: Sweet tarts, chocolate covered almonds, 2 bowls of Life
Snack: More sweet tarts, chocolate covered almonds
Lunch: Pumpkin Scone (REALLY JOY! REALLY??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
..Here's where my day changed ... at 2:00 I decided to do some P90X .... I did 45 mins. It felt like 3 hours. I could barely move because my stomach was full of CRAP! But I did it!
Afternoon Supper: Eggs, spinach, onions, tomatoes, cheese
Dinner: Fried Chicken (not my fault, Ron made it)
Dessert: While I DID NOT deserve dessert .... Mochi, sweet tarts, and chocolate covered almonds


Ok, so .... my whole reasoning behind posting this was so that hopefully you can feel better about yourself! Even after I decided I was going to start eating healthy and getting in shape I still ate fried chicken and dessert. But everyday is a new day.
Today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, Raspberries, Strawberry's (Praise Jesus for a new day!!)

So I would like to bare my soul to you ... well at least a few things from my soul ;-)
If I can be an inspiration to you that would be awesome. If I could be an example of what not to do, hey that works for me!! I am just hoping that my honesty will encourage you to be honest with yourself. Prepare yourself lovers! You are about to see some things that will make you laugh, (like a picture of me doing a pull up) things that will make you cry, (me eating 3 boxes of mochi in one sitting ... well actually that might make you laugh) things that make you think, (Why does Ron put up with her?) and most importantly there will be plenty of things to come that will make you feel really really good about yourself even as you insert that donut into your mouth!
This is the year! The year I am going to do a freaking pull-up! Hey if I can..... you can....